America is AWESOME!!!!! And So Are Weddings...

So it's been a while since I have posted a blog, and I apologise in advance for my gratuitous use of exclamation marks. Life has been crazy!!!!! All ups and downs and sickening roller coaster rides.

Sam is officially dumped. I hope him and his new little blood sucking protege are happy together :-( I'm not, but I'm pretty sure I will be eventually. I haven't spoken to him since I had the (non)decency on dump him on Facebook. Childish, I know, but truly satisfying! Leaving the wooden stake on his doorstep probably falls into the same category as well....

As a result, Candice and I booked a holiday to......*wait for it*..... Bon Temps! I'm so excited! There are so many supes here, the atmosphere is just ELECTRIC!!!! So far I have met a witch, two vampires, several werewolves, a shape shifter (who will hopefully give me a job) and a whole big mess of werepanthers. Apparently there is a telepath here also, but I haven't come across her yet :-(

Now for the extra exciting news - Candice and Jackson GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!! I had no idea Jackson was gonna follow us to America, but it turns out he was missing his sweetie too much. He arrived with a bunch of red roses and a diamond ring big enough to sink a ship {Insert the sounds of romantic sighs here}.

Now it just so happens that besides being married with a vampiric Elvis impersonator as a witness (well, I'm pretty sure he was impersonating the man from Memphis...but my assumptions in regards to that opinion, would fill another blog entry), I was also able to put my Internet obsession to good use.

You see, about a year ago, I decided to get one of those fancy Internet ordinations. It cost me a small fortune, but it was a great ice-breaker at parties ("Hello, I'm an ordained minister, want to get married?"). And now it has actually come in handy - who would have ever guessed, huh?!

So I managed to marry my dearest friend and cousin to her beloved. Candice wore hot pink and Jackson wore thongs and board shorts. The Elvis vampire wore blue sequins and sung 'Burning Love' as they left the chapel.

Life is good :-D Oh, except for those relatives that were pissed off because they didn't get wedding invites......

Vampires are Arseholes!!!!!!!!!

So Sam has turned a human into a vampire - or is in the process of it anyway.

I'm not entirely sure what that entails - probably loads of fabulous vampire sex, I imagine. Apparently (well, according to Camilla - and let's face it - she only wants to get into my pants)it takes three days, or there abouts to turn a human into a vampire. Firstly you need to drain them nearly to the point of death. Then you need to rouse them enough (and this is the tricky bit - the bit that usually results in having to stage a car wreck to cover up the accidental death) for them to drink the vampires blood. And finally, they then need to be buried together and they sleep for two to three days. Now you can see why new vampires wake up so darn cranky!

But now I am stuck with a horrible dilemma - do I keep Sam or ditch him???

Right now though, the bottle is my best friend...oh, and Candice too....

I hope Sam thinks it all worth it {sigh}

Damn vampires - can't live with them, but once you've had sex with one, you never want to live without them either....

Vampire Family Trees are Simply...well...not Simple!

I have a lot to say today. Mainly because I am trying to concentrate on other things; things that don't involve my heart being broken *sob*

But moving right along...So I have discovered some interesting facts about Sam and his relatives...{not thinking about Sam...}

Firstly, let me explain something about vampires. When a vampire creates another vampire, they refer to them as their child. This child would then refer to their creator as their parent. Any vampires that have been created by the same parent would refer to each other as siblings. With all that in mind, here goes...*sniffle*

Bear with me, it all gets a bit confusing from here on in...

To start with: Sam is my boyfriend (apparently - god only knows why???)It turns out that he has a brother called Jake Von House. Their mother is...wait for it....Camilla LeFanu!

So who only knows what that makes what happened between Camilla and I??? Not to mention the fact that both Sam *bastard* (oh did I say that out loud???) and Jake are now referring to Jackson Compton as their nephew...is that EVEN possible?????

*SIGH*

And now I have to finally mention the horrible news......

...it appears that Sam Von Strike is about to create another vampire. She looks real pretty too.......*wails*.......

And So The Plot Thickens...

...so much so, that I haven't even had time to consult the spirits, what with all that has been going on over the last few days.

Let me spell it out for you:

1. Jackson is now engaged to Candice. I didn't see that coming at all! Although Candice seems to be rather happy. She'll make such a beautiful bride too with her American Indian skin and dark, dark hair - so pretty :-) I wonder who she's picking for her bride's maids? *Hint, hint Candice ;-P*

2. It appears that Jackson and Camilla have a HISTORY. Yep, they know each other, but both are keeping mum about their 'relationship.' Some sort of complicated blood tie is being hinted at, but I can't see that Jackson would let a vamp take his blood. And even MORE unlikely is that he would take blood from a vampire...

3. A new name has popped out of the woodworks. Actually two of 'em. Jake Von House is the first one. He seems to be some sort of vampire hunter. Although from his Facebook account, he seems to be MIGHTY old - wonder what else can live longer than humans? Once again, Camilla seems to know him, although by a different name. Dunno what all that is about {shrugs}

4. The second new person on the scene is a little known character who goes by the name of Penne Stargazer. What a pretty name, huh? I don't know anything about her, and she doesn't seem to know anyone (or anyone that I know) at all. I wonder what she will bring to the mix?

5. Camilla is throwing a B & S Ball at the Nibble and Whore. For those of you who aren't an Aussie, that stands for Bachelor and Spinster's Ball. Normally single people attend. It's a good excuse to get pissed and more importantly GET LAID! Although in Camilla's case, I think the aim of the game is to SUCK BLOOD!

So there it all is, in a nut shell. I'm sure I've left stuff out, but even with just this list, I have MORE than enough on my plate...

What Can You Cook in a Pizza Oven?

So Jackson has just announced that it is pizza night at his place next weekend. Apparently it can fit two grown adults in it - though I don't really want to know how he knows that...



Now the plot is thickening - what the fuck is Jackson? He's denying that he's any sort of vamp. Which must be true, since he is out in daylight and all. But my mind just can't draw any conclusions. Later on today (it's 5am here as I write...my brain is too wound up to sleep), I'm gonna consult the spirits. Maybe they have something I can work with?

So, who is on the guest list I hear you ask? Well, it's a mixed bunch. I will be there (obviously), so will Sam. Although I wish he had declined his invite - the thought of the pair of them in the same house at the same time makes me think back to that fact about how many bodies you can fit into the damn oven.

But back to people invited...Candice will be there, so will Camilla, which I thought was odd - how the hell does he know her?? Mrs Picken-Butt rounds up the list.

Hopefully it will just be an interesting night...and not a deadly one...

Vampire Whorehouses are Scary!

So Candice and I went off to investigate the Nibble and Whore - and let me just say I hope I NEVER have to enter that place again!

For starters, red and black is SO overdone in that place. Ditto lace and chains. {sigh} Of course Leticia the Lash doesn't seem to think so. And I wasn't about to argue about it since she had a paddle that could slap the word 'slut' into my forehead quicker than it took me to write it.

Secondly, the 'establishment' is run by, not only my neighbour, but another vampire who goes by the name of Camilla LeFanu. Now you all probably remember how much she likes me (damn lesbian vampires!) so a visit with her is always akin to kiss chasey that involves a shark and a seal.

So Camilla insists that she has never had a hobbit walk through her doors, but in the same breath, she had commented on my Facebook page that hobbits taste like dirt and old feet. And so did Jackson.

Jackson Compton (no relation to Bill, by the way) is an old friend of mine that I have recently become reacquainted with. We went to high school together. I think him and Candice have a 'thing' for each other, not that I can prove anything. But since he has come back into my life, I get the feeling that he is hiding something from us all. Some horrible BIG thing.

I just hope it isn't the fact that he is a hobbit killing blood sucker...

A Trip to the Nibble and Whore

I can't believe I am about to leave with Candice to visit a vampire brothel *eeeww* In fact Candice is looking over my shoulder as I type trying to hurry me up.

So how did I end up having to visit a place like the Nibble and Whore, I hear you ask?

Well it has to do with a hobbit, and certain hole in the ground in which I found him - Mr Berrywinkle, to be exact. By now you would think that i had learned to leave sleeping dogs lie. Well - guess again! I went poking around in that damn hole again and this time I didn't find a body - I found a business card.

Now I know the Nibble and Whore exists. In fact it is right next door to my house. My neighbour was killed accidentally not that long ago. Well, killed is a bit of an exaggeration...turned is probably the better term. Yes, Mrs Sally Picken-Butt was turned into a vampire.

And who know that she would turn out to be such a good vampire madam? Certainly not me. And not her dead husband either. Frank (her hubby) is now officially a ghost, and since he knows that I can see dead people, he has taken to spending a lot of time at my place. Time that he spends bitching about his now vampire wife. Man I am SOOOOOOOO glad I have an off switch for spirits.

But, now I have gotten off track. And Candice is is my ear telling me to finish up so we can get a move on. Guess I'll have something to report tomorrow....

PS: Sam Von Strike has been delayed in returning to Australia also. Dunno where he is off to now that he has left Bermuda - he isn't allowed to tell me. Boy I miss him {sigh}