Vampire Whorehouses are Scary!

So Candice and I went off to investigate the Nibble and Whore - and let me just say I hope I NEVER have to enter that place again!

For starters, red and black is SO overdone in that place. Ditto lace and chains. {sigh} Of course Leticia the Lash doesn't seem to think so. And I wasn't about to argue about it since she had a paddle that could slap the word 'slut' into my forehead quicker than it took me to write it.

Secondly, the 'establishment' is run by, not only my neighbour, but another vampire who goes by the name of Camilla LeFanu. Now you all probably remember how much she likes me (damn lesbian vampires!) so a visit with her is always akin to kiss chasey that involves a shark and a seal.

So Camilla insists that she has never had a hobbit walk through her doors, but in the same breath, she had commented on my Facebook page that hobbits taste like dirt and old feet. And so did Jackson.

Jackson Compton (no relation to Bill, by the way) is an old friend of mine that I have recently become reacquainted with. We went to high school together. I think him and Candice have a 'thing' for each other, not that I can prove anything. But since he has come back into my life, I get the feeling that he is hiding something from us all. Some horrible BIG thing.

I just hope it isn't the fact that he is a hobbit killing blood sucker...

A Trip to the Nibble and Whore

I can't believe I am about to leave with Candice to visit a vampire brothel *eeeww* In fact Candice is looking over my shoulder as I type trying to hurry me up.

So how did I end up having to visit a place like the Nibble and Whore, I hear you ask?

Well it has to do with a hobbit, and certain hole in the ground in which I found him - Mr Berrywinkle, to be exact. By now you would think that i had learned to leave sleeping dogs lie. Well - guess again! I went poking around in that damn hole again and this time I didn't find a body - I found a business card.

Now I know the Nibble and Whore exists. In fact it is right next door to my house. My neighbour was killed accidentally not that long ago. Well, killed is a bit of an exaggeration...turned is probably the better term. Yes, Mrs Sally Picken-Butt was turned into a vampire.

And who know that she would turn out to be such a good vampire madam? Certainly not me. And not her dead husband either. Frank (her hubby) is now officially a ghost, and since he knows that I can see dead people, he has taken to spending a lot of time at my place. Time that he spends bitching about his now vampire wife. Man I am SOOOOOOOO glad I have an off switch for spirits.

But, now I have gotten off track. And Candice is is my ear telling me to finish up so we can get a move on. Guess I'll have something to report tomorrow....

PS: Sam Von Strike has been delayed in returning to Australia also. Dunno where he is off to now that he has left Bermuda - he isn't allowed to tell me. Boy I miss him {sigh}

R.I.P. Mr Berrywinkle

Well, I was right, not that that makes me feel any better. And did you know that dead hobbit bodies crumble into dirt as soon as you expose their whole body to the open air? No, I didn't either - I guess you learn something new everyday.

Mr Berrywinkle was kind and old and always offering cake when you walked past his door. I still can't fathom how anyone would cause him grief! You know I was talking to Miss Serena, the Oracle who lives next door to Mr Berrywinkle, and she was telling me about how he was due to celebrate his eleventy third birthday. Such a dreadful shame.

Of course, Miss Serena is even more saddened by the fact that this happened right next door to her and she never got a whisper of a premonition. In fact, I think that terrifies her straight through to the bone, if I had to take an educated guess on the matter.

And now there is the added stress of having to suspect people I know of committing such a terrible crime. I can rule Sam out, since he is in Bermuda at the moment - unless hobbit bodies don't decay while underground (Oh crap! I hadn't thought of that, looks like I need to put Sam back on the list). Both Camilla Lefanu and Jackson Compton have admitted to knowing what Hobbit blood tastes like.

For the moment I think Camilla is more likely to have killed Mr Berrywinkle, after all she has no scruples and she is completely less impressed with men than she is with women. Jackson, though, is my wild card. You see he has been to supernatural boot camp. He knows how they all tick, he knows how to kill with his bare hands. But then again, boot camp is designed to create a human army to protect the supernatural.
Could it be possible that Jackson has crossed over to the dark side?

And so a Foot is Found...

...in my backyard. I knew, I just KNEW I shouldn't be poking that pile of dirt down by the creek that is the boundary of my backyard.



But against all better judgement I got out there this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed and had another poke around. A serious poke around this time. After the stick hit something a little bit solid, I went and got a shovel. And what I discovered is disturbing...to say the least.

You see I found a foot...a foot that is still attached to it's leg. But once I found it I had to stop digging. You see the foot looks suspiciously like this:



And the only person that I know who has feet like those in Mr Berrywinkle, the hobbit who lives across the creek on Albatross Lane.

Why on god's good earth would anyone want to kill a hobbit?????

And why would they bury him on my property???????

What do you do when you find a....

...skull in your back yard?????

And an odd one at that??????

Check out the picture. As you can tell I've cleaned it up some what:



After the whole 'freaking out because there was a human skull buried in my yard' thing, I calmed down a little and managed to do a Google search. You would never guess what I found...and who would have thought that typing 'human skulls with bricks in their mouths' in to Google would be fruitful?...Anyway, to get back to the story (can you tell I'm still a little crazy-scared???), it turns out that people who were suspected of being...wait for it....the good bit's coming.....VAMPIRES (told you it was good ;-P ) were buried with a brick in their mouth.

It turns out that skulls like this have been discovered before in places like Venice and Poland. The belief stems from the a belief that the plague was actually caused by vampires. Apparently a brick placed in the mouth of the suspected vampire prevented them from spitting blood and therefore infecting hapless humans that just happened to be standing around.

Although, personally, if someone had just died of the plague, you wouldn't find me just waiting around for them to turn into a blood sucker and spit their infection at me {shrugs}. But then again - each to their own.

Of course this still doesn't explain the weird smell coming from my yard - what else is hidden there??????

Weird Smells...

...are happening out there in my backyard. See this is what happens when you associate with vampires!

I am hoping it is nothing more serious than some poor animal has died out there by the creek out back and the smell is wafting. Or maybe some neighbours cat has been hit by a car and managed to drag itself into my yard before carking it. Although I hate the though of breaking that news to one of my neighbours almost as much as I hate option number three - the fact that damn Sam has gone and 'accidentally' killed someone and thought that my back yard was the perfect place to conceal a bloody murder!

I am waiting for my mate to arrive, my partner in crime, so we can go and dig around a bit. I'm too scared to do it myself, I hate to admit it, but there it is, written out there in front of me now...

And there is Candice knocking on the door now.

It's time to bite the bullet and see what is hidden out in yard - what will it be, I wonder?